The guy I married had a low-key job. He worked hard, but was just a quick drive from our condo and was rarely at the office past 5 p.m. His availability was great and he was always game to help out shuttling my students to debate tournaments or pinch hit as a math tutor for Saturday school. But things changed – he pursued his MBA while still working full time and one he’d graduated, he began a career in consulting and started traveling a ton. It wouldn’t be crazy to say he was “on the road” 40 out of 52 weeks in a year. The timing was nuts – we’d just brought our first home and found out we were pregnant with Margaret, so why not throw a new job in the mix.
Fast forward five years and two kids and his travel heavy schedule has resulted in the ups and downs lifestyle can bring. This month we find ourselves at the beginning of another journey – Curtis has started with a new company and his job is just as travel heavy. We’re coming off of the high of his family leave (which was 4 months) plus a fluke project in the late spring and early summer that required no travel – meaning a lot more time in the same state than we’re usually used to. But now his schedule is picking back, we’re finding our groove again- or at least trying. It’s been helpful that we moved from Dallas to our hometown and our parents are now nearby. But for me getting back into it is a matter of building up my stamina, if you will, and I can honestly say right now I am tired- like, “in my bones” tired.
Curtis loves what he does, and I love that he loves what he does, but the travel is taxing on us both. During the week, he pushes it to the max and so do I. So after five years of this dynamic, here are my thoughts on “holding down the fort” when your spouse is traveling. I realize some parents have to figure out this balance for weeks or months on end. Some may only encounter it here and there. No matter your situation, if you find yourself managing the day-to-day solo due to a traveling partner, here are some tips on how to survive and thrive!
PREPARE
For my personality type, I don’t think I can ever be too prepared. When I’m alone, I do as much the night before as I possibly can. Margaret’s lunch is packed, her clothes laid out, Catherine’s morning bottle is ready to go in the fridge – literally anything I can do ahead of time, I do it. To get back in the swing of things and make sure I can get us all dressed, fed and out of the door in for Margaret’s drop off time of 7:45, I actually write down a morning timeline in 5-10 minute increments until it is such a smooth operation I don’t need that level of detail anymore. On a bigger scale, I make sure I have any thing we may need extra of, like milk or eggs. I even stock what we call “emergency milk” in the pantry, a.k.a. Horizon shelf-stable milk. I have favorite frozen food on hand and necessary medications for any middle of the night happenings. I’ve learned that I need to know things that weren’t necessarily my area of expertise before, like when is trash day and what do I do (besides panic) if the power goes out? These might seem like basic elements of being an adult but trust me, each of us has our blind spots and when you’re the one holding down the fort, try to figure out what your blind spots are and learn how to handle them. From a practical standpoint, I try to have a charging brick ready to go so my phone can always get some juice if the power does go out – which has happened quite a bit actually.. Each Sunday before Curtis gets ready to fly out on Monday, he is on it to make sure things are ready to go as smoothly as possible. Dishes, cat litter, replacing light bulbs -whatever it may be, he works hard to take care of it. That said – sometimes we have such a Sunday Funday and absolutely nothing gets done, and that is okay too!
MANAGE EXPECTATIONS
Since this is our lifestyle and not the occasional getaway or work trip, I am working hard to manage my own expectations for the sake of sustainability. It is simply not possible to do it all, all the time. Some nights I literally cannot hang any longer and so Margaret’s lunch isn’t packed ahead of time. Some weeks, no laundry is done because our free time is spent getting together with friends. While I hear tales of other four year old children sleeping in their own beds, right now mine needs the extra love and security of cuddling with mom so that is what we’re going to do. And yet – she never goes to school without a lunch, we all have clothes to wear, and I’m enjoying Margaret’s snuggles while Curtis is away!
CONNECT
Connect With Your Spouse: Whether he’s one flight or three away, Curtis is always on the other end of the line if I need to vent and can come home in case of emergency. So even when my day to day operations are solo, I’m not alone. When he’s on a project, he’s most often burning the midnight oil so an extended catch up session is not always on the docket. Occasionally we’ll video chat or say a quick good night before the girls are asleep, but most often we touch base throughout the day. I’ll send photos of the girls, he’ll send me photos of the crazy things passengers do during his flights. We trade funny memes and forward relevant emails. He may be thousands of miles away but he’ll still remember that we’re out of wasp spray and I’ll see that he ordered some on Amazon. I fill him in on the happenings of the girls through quick messages or a tiny phone call here and there. This peppering of communication helps us feel connected and close even when we’re managing very different things and are anything but nearby each other. During periods when he is less accessible I’ll email him with little updates and thoughts here and there and when he can, he gets back to me.
Connect With Others: Coming at this from the perspective of a stay-at-home parent, I learned early on that finding a community and connecting with friends is helpful to avoid feeling isolated. In Dallas, my moms groups from both church and the neighborhood were so important to Margaret and I. Our play dates and nights out were an opportunity for fellowship and growth. I was fortunate enough to live within just a few miles of my best friends from college and my sister, who repeatedly let me know that they’d be over at my house if I ever needed anything and now that I’ve moved they’re still the best support system I could ever ask for. Now in Florida and close to our parents, we’ve made some wonderful friends. Our life is full and I feel like whether I want to grab lunch with someone or need some back-up, we have a great community around! Just last week Sarah Tucker and Shipt hosted a fun End of Summer party and it is times like that – just getting out of the house and connecting with friends – that make it all a little easier when he’s gone.
SELF-CARE & GETTING HELP
I think this goes for most people, but I’ve found it especially true -plan time for yourself to avoid burnout, keeping in mind that you can’t pour from an empty cup. So find “me” time when you can. That may look like putting your feet up and watching Bravo when they’re napping instead of doing the millionth load of laundry. It is isn’t a “bad” thing to take a breather at 10 a.m. By the evening, when no one is coming through the door to offer back-up, you’ll be glad you took a break when you could. Or self care make look like scheduling childcare. Even though I have been the primary caregiver, I realized that without a break or even just time for essentials, I would burnout. Eventually we put Margaret in the preschool at our church in Dallas for two days a week so I had reliable childcare to take care of business or have a fun lunch. Now with grandparents close by and Margaret starting full-time school, I’ll have a hybrid of family and babysitters to make our world go around. Remember that self care is not just a bubble bath or the occasional pedicure but also making sure you go to the dentist and getting a haircut.
Over the past few years we’ve also gotten smart about getting help and outsourcing tasks to make our time count. One of the most important pieces of our puzzle over the past few years has been grocery delivery. Shipt has been a lifesaver for us. Some days we order our groceries because we’d rather spend a Sunday afternoon hanging out as a family than braving the aisles of Publix. Some days I use Shipt because instead of taking baby Catherine to the store while Margaret is in school, I can use that hour to take her on a walk or just let her play! And some days- for example – I don’t even realize until I’m elbow deep in poop that I have only one baby wipe left – thank goodness Shipt can be at my front door, sometimes within the hour. If you need some of this grocery delivery goodness, this code will get you $50 off your membership.
FIND THE JOY
My last piece of advice is to find the joy in whatever your situation is. Yep – there are some exceptionally tough days. Like, cry-in-the-corner-barely-keeping-it-together kinds of days. But those are not the norm. (If they were, this would be a different kind of post.) But during some of the lows, my gratitude for the highs and even just the average, is the engine that keeps me going. For us, our particular set up creates a lot of cool opportunities for family travel and special memories we wouldn’t otherwise have had. It has fostered a sense of independence, strength and resilience in me that I appreciate and hope is passed on to our girls. Building memories of just us three girls has been special. Curtis might be grinding it out during the week but he works from home on Fridays and his weekends are usually 100% family time. So when he’s home, he is really home. Watching the one you love, do something they love, is also special. And I am so grateful I got to step back from working outside of the home during this season of life to be where my heart is. Also – I get to watch tons of Bravo after the kids are asleep and no one is complaining.
Okay, actually my last thing is that in addition to all this – while we’re finding our groove and joy in this season, we are also continuously working to find our boundaries. Curtis will defend the time that is important to him and make sure he is home, I will tell him when there is something of particular importance to me. We are constantly communicating to make sure we know what each other needs and where the other stands so that going forward, we can make the decisions that are best for our family. This schedule and pace may not always be our reality but while it is, we’re just doing our best – and whether you’re holding down the fort for one hour, one day or every day, I hope that you find your groove.
Great suggestions and so on point!